you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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