You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just cut my nipple shaving
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
