I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
