FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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