I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My ATM looks so different sober.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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