I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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