We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
