All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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