there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My pussy is not your playground.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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