ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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