yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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