you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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