Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
