When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
two words: eviction party
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
