I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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