You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
