No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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