May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize