I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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