Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
