They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just found a bag of teeth...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
