I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
