the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
