Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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