Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Randomize
