We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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