Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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