My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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