Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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