3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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