if you like me you must not know who I am
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Let's get the cat blown out
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
