Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I love you. Go after that dick
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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