Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
