Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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