After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just want to make out with him forever
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
