This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
