An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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