im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
