Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
