Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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