I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
