Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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