Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize
