You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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