Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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