i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
