Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
