just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
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