i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
