Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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