i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you traded sex for a burrito?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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