Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh god it's open bar.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
