i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's official drugs can't kill me
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize