I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
