Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
