i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize