Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
