Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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