and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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